Divorce and Separation: Helping your Child Heal
Divorce and separation can be stressful time and highly emotional time not only for the parents involved but also for the children and youth. Divorce precludes a major change in the child's life, posing significant behavioural challenges. Divorce uproots the traditional family structure and leads to situations of change and crisis. Children may feel sad, confused, rejected, angry and worried. These feelings may come all at once or in stages. During the divorce, the child may experience defiant behavior, peacemaking, and apathy (Stolnicu, 2022). After the divorce, the child may feel like they are put in the middle of the parent's conflict and mask their true feelings. Parental conflict is a course for anxiety and depression (Stolnicu, 2022).
Knowing the way to interact with your child around divorce can be challenging to figure out, leaving us wondering if your child will be okay. Kids want to know that their secure base and parents are still there for them.
Developmental insights
Below is a developmental guide with tips to support your child based on the different stages of development to help with the transitions provided by the Canadian Paediatric Society (Clark, B).
0-8 Months
Characteristics. Attachment needs are met through physical proximity. At this time, consistent caregiving is needed.
Separation issues. As long as needs are met, a sleep environment for the child is not critical.
Signs of Distress:
Sleep disturbance
Clinginess
Insistent crying
Parental Tips:
Spend extra time holding the baby. A reminder that it is essential to ensure you are well rested and taking care of yourself as mood and tension can transfer to the baby.
Establish a routine.
Provide comfort in the form of a blanket or toy.
8 Months – 2 Years
Characteristics. This is where formal attachment develops: through proximity and sameness. A sense of loss and fear when the parents go away.
Separation Issues. The child will feel a sense of loss.
Signs of Distress:
Sleep disturbance
Clinginess
Insistent crying
Parental Tips:
Establish predictable routines to keep a balance and equilibrium as much as possible.
Quality time.
Remind your child that divorce and separation are not their fault.
2 Years – 4 Years
Characteristics. At this stage, the child experiences more independence and develops verbal skills to express feelings and needs such as food, shelter, and visitation.
Separation Issues. The child may experience a decrease in contact with a parent or parents as abandonment, accompanying a sense of responsibility for the separation or divorce. With that in mind, the child will begin to feel anxious about needs being met, such as food and visitation, due to the unstable environment.
Signs of Distress:
Regressive behaviours (i.e., toilet training, returning to security blanket).
Separation anxiety at bedtime
Parental Tips:
Create a positive atmosphere to discuss emotions and feelings through reading books on emotions and reflecting on the child's mood and attitude.
Create a visitation schedule to provide the child with a sense of safety and security.
5 Years to 8 Years
Characteristics. The child begins to develop peer relationships.
Separation issues. The child may feel a sense of responsibility for separation. The child will also fantasize about parental unification. A fear of abandonment is also present at this stage.
Signs of Distress:
Overt signs of grief (sadness, anger)
Fear of abandonment
Changes in eating and sleep habits
Loyalty conflicts
Parental Tips:
Encourage extracurriculars.
Ensure quality time with an atmosphere that encourages openness about feelings.
Verbalizing the divorce is not the child’s fault.
9 Years to 12 Years
Characteristics. At this time, the child develops an increased awareness of self while trying to fit in with peers. Belonging to a group such as family, school, and sports teams is important.
Separation Issues. The child will appear angry about the separation and feel responsible for the separation. The child is likely to take sides and blame the parents they think caused the separation.
Signs of Distress:
Intense anger
Physical complaints
Overactive to avoid thinking about separation
Feel ashamed about separation: feeling different from others (susceptible to alienation)
More likely to ally with one parent and susceptible to being alienated
Parental Tips:
Encourage extracurriculars and peer relationships.
Ensure quality time with an atmosphere that encourages openness about feelings.
Verbalizing the device is not the child's fault.
13 Years to 18 Years
Characteristics. At this stage, the child/adolescent is solidifying their identity and establishing themselves in relation to the rules and regulations of society.
Separation issues: The child/adolescent may feel embarrassed by the family breakup and react by disobeying one or both parents. The child/adolescent may want to avoid visiting the non-resident parent.
Signs of Distress:
Withdrawal from family
Difficulty concentrating
Engaging in high-risk behaviours
Worry about own future relationships
Additional parental tips and family protective factors (Clark, B)
1. Protection from conflict between parents
2. Cooperative parenting
3. Supportive networks such as sibling, extended family, and peer relationships.
4. Household structure and stability
Early Support
Early academic, financial, and mental support is important to help your child navigate the divorce process. Divorce and separation are not a single event and will continue to be experienced by your child. Early therapeutic intervention can help to navigate this transition for your child. Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy provides counseling services to help your child work through emotional times. Reach out to Melissa and Raidah, therapists skilled in supporting children to heal through divorce and separation.
Clark, B; Canadian Paediatric Society. (2013). Supporting the mental health of children and youth of separating parents. Paediatrics and Child Health. 18(7), 373-377.
Stolnicu, A., De Mol, J., Hendrick, S. and Gaugue, J. (2022). Healing the separation in high-conflict post-divorce co-parenting. Frontiers in Psychology. 13, 913447. https://doi.org/10.3389%2Ffpsyg.2022.913447