Forgiveness in Therapy

Forgiveness is defined as the deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution (Cherry, 2023). Forgiveness is the cognitive, motivational, and emotional experience of decreasing negativity and increasing positivity (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2022). Studies show that forgiveness is linked to reduced stress levels and to increased relationship satisfaction (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2022). 

Self-forgiveness is about acceptance and moving on with your life without ruminating over past events (Cherry, 2023). The four Rs of Self-forgiveness are Responsibility, Remorse, Restoration and Renewal (Cherry, 2023). With therapy at Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy you can learn to understand your emotions and reduce their intensity, including the feelings of guilt or shame (Cherry, 2023). Guilt can be an emotion that is a form of self-punishment and can cause feelings of worthlessness, which if left unresolved can lead to depression, addiction, and aggression (Cherry, 2023). Rumination can become a self-hatred trap making it difficult to maintain your self-esteem and motivation (Cherry, 2023). Self-forgiveness is more than putting the past behind you, it is about showing compassion to yourself (Cherry, 2023). Forgiving yourself requires finding a way to learn from the experience and grow as a person (Loggins, 2021).

While self-forgiveness is a powerful practice it is not intended for people who unfairly blame themselves or have shame for something they are not responsible for, such as victims of abuse, trauma, or loss (Cherry, 2023). Being in a toxic relationship can cause toxic shame which is detrimental and an emotion that has been projected onto you (Lo, n.d.). Toxic shame is pervasive of narcissistic parents for instance, who groom their children to become excessively guilt-ridden in order to control them (Lo, n.d.). For victims it is difficult to acknowledge the abuse (Lo, n.d.). The decision to forgive is personal and should favor the person who is forgiving more than the person being forgiven (Loggins, 2021). There may be cultural reasons that cause you feel that it is your responsibility to forgive and forget. Forgiving is not trusting (Lo, n.d.). You reserve the right to safeguard your boundaries and protect yourself from abuse (Lo, n.d.). If we move hastily to forgiveness without first acknowledging the trauma, we bypass essential steps to the path of congruent love and self-love (Lo, n.d.). Forgiveness is a choice and not something you should feel pressured into doing (Loggins, 2021). You do not need to justify anything to anyone, and you can believe in yourself, your integrity, and virtues (Lo, n.d.). You can forgive what has happened to you, you can even see the bigger picture that hurt people hurt, but you must also be able to say, never again! (Lo, n.d.).

Reference

Cherry, K. (2023). How to forgive yourself. [online] Verywell Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-forgive-yourself-4583819.

Loggins, Brittany (2021). Is It OK Not to Forgive Someone? [online] Very well Mind. Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/when-is-it-ok-not-to-forgive-someone-5199745.

Lo, I. (n.d.). Narcissistic Parents Abuse You in These 5 Ways. [online] Eggshell Therapy and Coaching. Available at: https://eggshelltherapy.com/narcissistic-parent-abuse/#:~:text=It%20is%20pervasive%20for%20parents [Accessed 22 Jul. 2024].

Mayo Clinic Staff (2022). Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness. [online] Mayo Clinic. Available at: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692.