The Psychology Behind People-Pleasing: How to Work Through It

People-pleasing is a behaviour many struggle with, often driven by a deep desire for approval and a fear of rejection or conflict. While it may seem harmless, constantly prioritizing others’ needs over your own can lead to emotional exhaustion, resentment, and even a loss of self-identity.

At its core, people-pleasing is often rooted in early life experiences. Many people-pleasers grew up in environments where their self-worth was tied to making others happy. Over time, this behaviour becomes a coping mechanism to avoid criticism or maintain harmony, even at the cost of personal well-being.

How to Manage People-Pleasing:

1. Challenge Your Thoughts: Next time you feel the need to please someone, ask yourself, "Am I doing this out of genuine care, or to avoid discomfort?" Reframe thoughts like “I have to say yes” with “It’s okay to say no.”

2. Start Small: Practise saying no in low-pressure situations. For example, if a colleague asks you to help with a task, politely decline if you don’t have the time. Gradually build confidence in asserting your boundaries.

3. Set Clear Boundaries: Start by expressing your needs in a kind but firm way. For instance, if a friend often calls late at night and it disrupts your routine, you might say, “I’ve realized I need more rest, so I won’t be able to take calls after 9 p.m. I’d love to chat earlier in the day instead.”

4. Self-Check: Regularly evaluate if your actions align with your own values and needs. Are you agreeing to things that deplete your energy or make you unhappy?

Managing people-pleasing behaviour is an ongoing process, but it's essential for your emotional well-being. If you find it challenging to navigate this on your own, professional support can help.

At the Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy Clinic, our compassionate team is here to guide you through this journey. We offer tailored support to help you build self-worth, set healthy boundaries, and live authentically. Reach out today to begin your path to a more balanced life.

References

Calm Editorial Team. (2024). Learn how to stop being a people pleaser with these 10 tips. Calm Blog. https://www.calm.com/blog/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser 

Villines, Z. (2023). People pleaser: Definition, signs, risks, and how to stop. Medical News Today. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser