COMMUNICATION STYLES IN COUPLES
Communication is vital in relationships. Communication allows parties to express themselves and show vulnerability which builds trust and understanding of one another.
Many forms of communication can hurt a relationship such as responding passively, using sarcasm, insults disguised as jokes, putting blame, creating a sense of power dynamic, being loud, or being silent and avoiding conversation. Instead, one should take a minute, to calm down, collect their thoughts, go over the compromise they are willing to make and what limit they will not pass. Then they inform the other party that they will be addressing a problem so that they are not shocked and put into a defensive mode when approached. Finally, remember you want a resolution, not a winner (Lamothe, 2019).
Communicating does not always mean you need to be cooperative. There are pros and cons to being cooperative and confrontational in communications. For instance, cooperative (agreeable) communication is good when something is minor, as the distress from an argument is not worth it. Cooperative communication is also good if it cannot be changed, confrontation will only cause the other party to feel like a failure and stressed out. But, if it is a serious issue, and change is required/possible, cooperative communication can be bad, because with cooperative communication, you will avoid tension, but the problem will not get fixed, causing long term dissatisfaction in the relationship. In short, you need to pick your battles wisely (Overall, & McNulty, 2017).
There are also indirect cooperation and indirect opposition (disagreements) that should be paid attention to. Indirect opposition is when someone is passive-aggressive, they can express their emotions, but no change occurs. Indirect cooperation is little acts of encouragement and kindness, that if gone unacknowledged can create resentment (Overall, & McNulty, 2017). Indirect is important as it occurs more on a day-to-day basis. People send "bids," an action in which we are trying to evoke a response. The patterns built in response to bids will create an understanding of how a conflict would be responded to. So, a good idea would be to identify write down bids and the response that occurred throughout the day to see how one can improve their responses. With the proper response, you will create more open communication (Wiley, 2007).
Now there are certain key factors to create open communication. Such as eye contact and being a good listener and showing the speaker their words have value. With a proper response, the speaker will be more willing to share. A good exercise to exhibit good listening is the Fishbowl. Fishbowl is where member one speaks for 60 seconds with no interruptions and then the other party reiterates what was said, if member one feels heard the next person can speak for 60 seconds. In the 60 seconds, you can start with a compliment, appreciation, or gratitude to the other, then go in with an I statement of how you feel when blank occurs (Hartle, 2021).
Communication is important, bad communication can cause a lot of damage, but studies show that satisfaction in a relationship can help increase communication (Lavner, Karney, & Bradbury, 2016). Therefore, therapy will not only help with better communication methods but will assist in working on other aspects of the relationship as well. Therapy helps clients identify and express their emotions and needs. It looks into the relationship patterns that the individuals developed as a kid, how society creates conventional roles one may feel pressured to take on, and how our thoughts create specific behaviours (”23 Couples Therapy Techniques & Exercises,” n.d.).
We have many therapists at our clinic, including Svetlana and Sumbul, who do couples counselling at the rate of 175+hst for a 50 min session. For more information or to book an appointment please give us a call 647-267-9853.
References
Hartle, A. (2021, February 09). 9 Therapist- Recommend Couples Communication Exercises. An Everlasting Love. https://aneverlastinglove.com/couples-communication-exercises/
Lamothe, C. (2019, October 29), Talk It Out: Communication 101 for Couples. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/lack-of-communication
Lavner, J. A., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2016). Does Couples' Communication Predict Marital Satisfaction, or Does Marital Satisfaction Predict Communication?. Journal of marriage and the family, 78(3), 680–694. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12301
Overall, N. C., & McNulty, J. K. (2017). What Type of Communication during Conflict is Beneficial for Intimate Relationships?. Current opinion in psychology, 13, 1–5. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.03.002
23 Couples Therapy Techniques & Exercises. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://coaching-online.org/files/Couples-Therapy-Techniques.pdf
Wiley, Angela R. 2007. Connecting as a couple: Communication skills for healthy relationships. The Forum for Family and Consumer Issues, 12 (1). Retrieved from https://www.theforumjournal.org/2007/03/03/connecting-as-a-couple-communication-skills-for-healthy-relationships/