WHAT DOES A HEALTHY SELF-ESTEEM LOOK LIKE?

Self-esteem is not static, there are high and low moments for everyone, but the average is what we will be referring to in this discussion. Self-esteem is how one thinks about themselves and if they think of themselves as valuable, and worth respect from themselves and others. The therapists at Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy, promote the idea that everybody is valuable and deserve respect, no one person is better than the other (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2020).

 Many factors impact self-esteem, such as age, self-esteem increases as we get older, typically shaken in adulthood, with negative life-altering events, but otherwise, self-esteem peaks at 60 and then declines. Gender- Western women are reported to have lower self-esteem compared to males.  Body type, those with an overweight body type are reported to have lower self-esteem. Lower self-esteem was also reported for those who have mental health issues or identify as LGBTQ. Other factors include race and socioeconomic status. What is interesting about systematic factors, is that sometimes they have no effect as people only compare themselves with those in the same group as them, or they can dismiss disadvantages to systematic factors, and not feel it’s a representation of their value and self (“Self-Esteem,” 2018). Therefore, the main factor, to self-esteem is experiences from home, school, and work. People spend a lot of time at home, school, and work, and therefore the words said in those environments about them, will eventually stick. For instance, are parents giving positive reinforcement when their children make a mistake and teaching them that it is okay and that they can try again (Cherry, 2021). Are friends at school, expressing that they accept their friends and appreciate them for being authentically themselves (Lyness, 2018).  The therapist at Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy, will help identify these roots and help alter the negative narrative.

 Now, there is low self-esteem, high self-esteem, and then healthy self-esteem. Low self-esteem hinders one’s wellbeing as those with low self-esteem believe they do not have the potential to succeed, and therefore, do not try new things, paralyzed by fear. They settle in relationships – as they feel they are not worthy of love and they are people pleasers, as they feel they need to earn the love. They have a difficult time socializing. They don’t value their own opinions and thoughts and therefore look to others to make choices for them. Low self-esteem also often correlates with codependency, eating disorders, anxiety, and depression. Having high self-esteem can be problematic as well, as they will not see any areas to improve about themselves. Certain character arches come with having high or low self-esteem. Such as imposter syndrome, as they pretend to be someone else, someone perfect, rebellions where they pretend, they don’t care about the things they are insecure about and the approval of others, and victimhood, where they believe all bad things happen to them and therefore there is no point in trying (“Self-Esteem,” 2018).

Healthy self-esteem is what the therapist and Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy thrives for for their clients as it correlates to better wellbeing. With healthy self-esteem, they know their wants and needs and have the confidence to express them, even if someone might disagree with them. They are open to feedback. They know their worth and therefore won't stick around in a relationship that doesn’t respect them. They know they have the potential to succeed and will go out and try new things. They are understanding, they understand that challenges come up and that they make mistakes, but those instances don't define them, and they simply try to do better next time. They do not put so much expectation on themselves, thinking about what they should have done, but rather they try their best and are proud of that (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2020).  

Self-esteem, as mentioned, is our thoughts about ourselves, and the good part about that is that we can change our thoughts to create healthy self-esteem. The therapists at Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy will use the modality of CBT, to help you identify cognitive distortions that are affecting your wellbeing. A cognitive distortion is an inaccurate way of thinking.  For instance, extreme thinking - thinking the very worse, thoughts are based on emotions instead of facts, or thoughts are formed only based on the negatives because you avoid thoughts about positive events or make excuses for why the positive events occurred. Your therapist will help you recognize your way of thinking. But, at home you can also try writing down thoughts you have about yourself throughout the day, whether it is positive, negative, or neutral, write the situation that occurred when you had these thoughts - Sometimes, we can be heard on ourselves, so it can help to think if you would say this to your friend if they were in the same situation. Then take the time to address if the thoughts are valid - writing it down will give you the time to think it through, as some thoughts are so habitual it feels like facts. As you can see, we are not saying to ignore the negative thoughts, but rather identify and understand them. Other tips that can help raise your self-esteem, is writing down good qualities about yourself and repeating them daily or exercising and taking care of your hygiene because you are worth that self-care (Mayo Clinic Staff, 2020). Try Learning new things will give you a sense of accomplishment which boosts self-esteem. As well as doing kind things, kind deeds for the world will make one feel like they have the potential to make an impact (Lyness, 2018).

We have fantastic therapists at Vaughan Counselling and Psychotherapy, that deal with self -esteem. For more information or to book an appointment please give us a call 647-267-9853.or email us info@vaughanpsychotherapist.com

References

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2020, July 14). Self-esteem Check: Too Low or Just Right? Mayo Clinic.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20047976

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2020, July 14). Self-esteem: Take Steps to Feel Better About Yourself. Mayo

Clinic. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/self-esteem/art-20045374

Cherry, K. (2021, April 24). What Is Self-Esteem? Very Well Mind.

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-self-esteem-2795868

Reviewed by Lyness, D.A. How Can I Improve My Self-Esteem. Kids Health. Reviewed August

2018, from https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/self-esteem.html

Self-Esteem. (May 01, 2018). Good Therapy.

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-esteem